Copy of Leadership at Home: Empowering Parents and Kids

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi friends, welcome to this week's Once Upon the Feeling. I'm your host, Rita. This season we're exploring connection. What is connection? What does it mean to connect with another human being? What does it mean to connect deeply with ourselves, with our inner child? I truly believe all of this is very central to our human experience. I can't wait to dive in into this topic with our guests this week. And I am so excited that you're here. Take good care.

Welcome and Introductions

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Hi everyone, and thank you so much for joining me for this week for Once Upon the Feeling podcast. My name is Rita, your host. And today I'm really excited to have my friend and lovely Spanish teacher from my children, Christina Barbo, here with us. Christina is a bilingual educator and consultant and the founder of Empower Kits for Life, as well as the program Leadership at Home. Hello, Christina.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Hi, Rita. Thank you for inviting me. I'm delighted to be here.

SPEAKER_01 1:16

Thank you for coming because I know it is a hectic month. I appreciate you finding this precious hour to come and chat.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Thank you. I know it's a hectic life sometimes as a mom, and I have multiple jobs. Like I work part-time in an elementary school like Sequoia School. And then I also have my business part-time. So it is a juggling act. And that empower kids for life is my passion, and leadership at home has been like my mission in life. So I'm so happy to bring all of this information out in the world with you.

Cristina’s Career Pivot

SPEAKER_01 1:57

So tell us a little bit of how you came to creating the business and the programs that you have created so far. Like what was your path?

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Well, Empower Kids for Life started around 2008. And after 10 years of being working in business and marketing, I own a Hispanic marketing consultancy consultancy firm that worked with small and medium businesses at the time. And I love my work that there was something missing or something that personally I was exploring at the time. Like, is this how I want to spend my days? Is this how I want to spend my life? So it was a very self-reflective moment at the time. And I ended up just getting a book about something that I was curious about when I graduated college, when I was trying to decide what to do. I was one of those people who had many different passions, and it was really hard for me to choose one. So I had many different paths that I wanted to take, and I chose industrial engineering and business, and that translated into marketing, which kind of coincide with psychology and all the different interests that I had. And when I decided to reevaluate what I was doing, I started reading about early childhood education, which kind of led me through a path of understanding how we learn, how our early experiences really impact us and also empower us, depending on how we live it and how we process it and how we live our lives. So that was the beginning of Empower Kids for Life. I was a student in UCLA as an early childhood education. I was reading a lot about child development and how the brain works and how we learn. And as I was going through all of this, one of my classes asked me to do a teacher notebook, which was a collection of all the most valuable information that I had found throughout that course. And I asked the teacher if it could be a blog that was published, and that's how the name came to life. And then I worked for six years as a preschool teacher for an Evergreen Community School in Santa Monica. And I learned a different way of being educated in a way I educated myself again through the process of becoming a teacher. And then after being a teacher for six years, I became a mom. And then I was a mentor teacher for teachers as I was raising my son. And Empower Kids for Life started to take shape. And I started doing trainings for parents and for educators at schools. And I did that for many years. And after a couple of years, I also created the leadership at home concept, which was basically a personal realization of how my past life and my current life collided. And the more I learned about education, the more I realized it's the same foundations for leadership that organizations use. And that's where I saw the need for many parents who are working parents that cannot attend maybe the coffee with the director or the special meeting at school that happens on 10 a.m. I created leadership at home as a program that I can take to organizations where working parents can have these conversations and create these communities in which they have access to an early childhood educator that can answer all of these questions and they can also create a community speaking terms that are relatable to their lives because I lived in the business life as well before. So I kind of understand both worlds and I love both worlds. And that was like the perfect co-lide to create like this concept of leadership at home, which is a different mindset of parenting that I have found useful as a teacher, and then translating it into my home as I raise my son.

SPEAKER_01 6:38

But it's interesting is that you lived many different lives and you made that discovery and you made that self-inquiry, I want to say relatively early compared to the rest of us, right? I mean, you're and you're maybe in your 20s, your early 30s. Most of the people don't realize this is what they don't ask that question. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life until they're midlife, until like me, right? I feel like I'm just kind of like having this like coming to Jesus moment where I'm like, oh, how do I want to suspend my life? Like you, on the other hand, are at least a whole decade ahead of everyone else. What do you think that is? Like what was just so different? Like, what made you so courageous? What made you so courageous having left Colombia, coming to the US, doing what you did, and then just like, you know what? I don't think this is what I want to do. Like you have somehow understood and embodied the idea of sunk cost and embraced it, where most of the people get stunk on.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

I

Identity Beyond Your Job

SPEAKER_00 7:53

know it it's interesting when you describe it as courageous because it sounds courageous right now, but when I was leaving the proset, it wasn't. And I think children are masters at that, but when we grow up, we kind of get stuck in who we are, and we feel what we do is who we are, and kind of breaking that identity off of you, right? Like the recognition of being a marketing consultant and then going into education, which I think it's a very valuable profession, but society does not see it as that. And I could feel in that transition when I will go to a gathering or a party, and people ask me what I do, and it really struck me how we attach ourselves and our values to what we do, and we are independent of what we do. And I think that has been like the biggest lesson that I have learned by navigating different paths and different professions in my life. And you're right, like many people have that realization of who do I want to be or what do I want to do sometimes when you have kids. I think that's one of the moments when you are like, who I am, like what kind of role model I want to do, I want to be for my kids. I think in a way it was easier because I didn't have many attachments that you have. If you are a parent, then you're going through that process. You have many responsibilities, like you have another identity, which is mom or dad. That kind of is a very important role. And if you're going through the process of figuring out what you want to do and being a parent, which is usually how usually things happen, it is complicated and it's vulnerable. And you're supposed to feel like an adult because now you have a child, but you're going through it. And I think in a way, because I lived through that process before and I learned about children and development and all of that before, it made it a little more clear for me to not be going through both of those processes, and that's where the content for everything that I do come like came from. It's like, what have I learned as a teacher that have helped me as a parent, right? And the other learning is like the personal learning of going through the process of not knowing, which is what you have to encounter when you go to a different profession or when you are a parent. And I'm thinking of my cousin who just had a baby yesterday. And I always say that one of the books that helped me the most when I was a parent was a marketing book, which is called Exploding Chaos. And it is like you, you just need to be able to find the wisdom that you need going through those transitions in the things that speak to you, in the language that speak to you, and take what works and apply it in your own way, because every family is different and every life is different, and what worked for me didn't work for you, but you hearing my story will inform you of ways that you can go through those processes.

SPEAKER_01 12:11

I think what's interesting is like now I'm curious as how that what your parents said to you when you decided to change career paths, or like what was their response. And that is also one of the reasons why I called it courageous, because it was hard, right? And I don't know what it was like. What was your community like at that point? What what what you know you were mentioning like when you were going into a party or something and gathering, you start to realize oh, people are starting to put some sort of a hierarchy, kind of like some sort of a judgment of who you are and where you belong based on your profession, which we still do to this day. And I think just knowing that and sticking to the path and understanding that is your passion and being sovereign to that and being centered to that, that is not the skill that many people have to, from what I understand. So no, like I feel like, okay, what did your parents do to raise you? I'm curious. Is that what was your upbringing like? Were they supportive of that? Like, where did that strength come from? Like, or did that somehow just instill it on you? And then now we're sharing it and telling people, yes, you can do

Parenting Emotions and Motivation

SPEAKER_01 13:33

it too.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

I I grew up in a very supportive, loving family. It was also strict and it had discipline, and I think I'm struggling a little bit like this because you all like whenever I talk about my childhood, there's always the child's perspective, and there's always the adult perspective, right? And that's where the emotions like come from and how you learn to process emotions, and there's always this question about if it comes, like if it's innate or if it's created by your parents, it's the nature versus nurture dilemma that has always been there. I think I was a very emotional child. I consider myself an emotional person in all kinds of ways. Um, as passionate for what I like as for what I don't don't like, and I think I was very vocal about it. I can remember my emotions being shut off in many instances, and I see it how like that that I know the history of parenting and the history of how we've been raising kids and the history of what I think history is a very powerful way to understand how we adopt things because what we're exposed to is what we apply. And I think is what my kind like my parents used the tools that they had, and they were loving, and then sometimes they were not, as we all parents are, you know, like sometimes you connect to your best self, and sometimes you connect to the control, and sometimes you connect to the fear, and sometimes you connect to and I remember observing all of that throughout my childhood in retrospect. Of course, at that moment I was probably just what you know, which is the experience of the child, just trying to figure out how to create your identity and to be a good person and to also follow your to be part of the family. To be part of the family. And I think that's where I studied education, like one of the things that struck me the most was the con was the motivation and how how much we use motivation in parenting. And there's two types of motivation: there's intrinsic motivation and there's external motivation. And most of the parenting theories that you find are based on external motivations because it works, basically, and it's the way that society works and has have worked for many different years. And what I found is that I don't know if it was because of my upbringing or because of what we're exposed to, but I think when I made that transition, it was because I realized like I was more connected to external motivations than internal motivations. And that was the exploration that I went through at that point. And when I had to share with my parents that I was gonna make that transition, it was a really hard moment for me because there were all of these thoughts of they invested in my education, they supported me, but they were always very supportive of what I wanted to do. And then this meant maybe saying, like, it could have been seen like I don't know what I want to do or I'm lost, and you have to go through all of that fear. And when I said that to my parents, they were really supported. I think I was more self-critical than them. And I was an adult too. I think I was already married, and it wasn't like a child going at 15 and saying other things, you know. But it was an interesting conversation to have. I remember one time, like, I think I don't remember if it was my mom or my dad, but they made a joke about like, oh, like the teacher. And I realized how much like that just hurt me because there's all of these ideas of like the marketing consultant versus the teacher inside me, right? And then when you're doing that transition, it feels like you're leaving something behind. And I think in any transition, that's how it feels. It feels like an absolute, like I have to lose myself completely to become this new person. And I think as you go through different processes of living abroad and living with different cultures, exploring different professions, like what you learn is that it's not a process of choosing, it's a process of integration. And everything that you bring into your life, whether you're making a career transition, whether you are becoming a mom, whether you are like living through undevotion, it's a process of integration. Like, how do I integrate this experience into myself? And that doesn't mean that I have to lose who I am, which I think it's a lot of the conversations that revolve around parenting these days. And I think that's why parenting is really hard nowadays, because there's that if you don't see it as a loss, if you don't see that you're becoming a new person, you will be more welcoming of the new parts of your life that come your way. And if not easy, it will still be emotional, and there's a lot of emotions that come that we label as negative. And I think that's part of what I learned in early childhood education is when we we react as adults like very negatively to certain emotions, and we don't have a good relationship with hard emotions as adults, so it's hard to support kids in those moments, right? And that's where all of these new parenting approaches and all of that comes because we come from like a very dictatorship, I like to call it, or like authoritative. And we are aware that we want things to be different, but it's like how do we find that middle ground in which we can integrate both of the skills and the things that we need to navigate life, to navigate changes, to navigate everything that comes our way, and how do we support the children that are in our care with others?

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Yeah, I think you just said something that I think is a perfect segue to the next next thing that I want to talk about is how uncomfortable our generation and definitely previous generations have been with what they label as negative quote-unquote emotions or feelings, right? Anything that is not joyful, like sorrow, grief, all of those things has been labeled as something that's negative or bad rather than being seen as just what is. And what I have learned through many of the projects that we work together and also just how life is lifing, I'm coming to an understanding that that's the color wheel, that's the color palette that makes the human experience, right? In music, they call it that that's the dissonance that that creates motion. That's what pulls you. Forward, pushes you forward, and they're essential. And so I guess now I feel like our generation's work is how do we create capacity to hold it all, to be okay with those emotions and just allowing it to be what it is rather than trying to push it and make it go away. And I think the more you try to avoid it, the more you try to just making it disappear, is when it starts to linger, when it gets stuck.

Stories for Disaster Healing

SPEAKER_01 22:37

I wanted to talk about, and I didn't realize this about you because we've known each other for many years now. My oldest is in junior high, and you've been teaching her since like what? I mean, kindergarten kindergarten. She was a first grader, I think. She was the first grader. So it's been half of a decade at least. But it was not until our last big project, the Orange Sky. I have never seen anybody jump on a translating Barbono project so fast as you did. And for background, my startup, Hiberninza Aguchi, we created a book for the fire victims, Big Orange Sky post-Pacific Palestine Fire and the Eden Fire a few years ago in California. I'm working with occupational therapists and psychologists and educator like Christina, bringing stories to the community, to schools, to children to help them process and cope and understand what has happened and how to move forward and how to find each other and how to find connection with each other. And then in June, this past year, Badazella earthquake happened and it was devastating. And I was so excited in the weirdest way, like what you call the women to have coffee. And now we're launching this brand new story with you and our dear friend Shema, who had two just offered her talent like pro bono and illustrated these most beautiful pages for these stories so we can have it distributed and sent to all the families out there, now Venezuela and Colombia. And really, earthquake happens a lot more than we think. And to any of the future people who is who might be experiencing that, and just having a story there to help understand and process and validate that you know their experience is hard and is valid, and then we see them. Now, tell me a little bit about how you feel about this work of creating this literature that's hard and painful and yet necessary for children and families all around the world.

SPEAKER_00 25:11

When you reach out to me for Big Orange Sky, which is the story of young children that go through a fire, I think I immediately connected with my background in early childhood education because through that work I learned the power of stories and how children process things in different ways, and a story really serves a purpose in teaching emotions, but also teaching skills in a way in which children do the learning. And even as a teacher, like as I read good stories, like you learn good strategies of how to address things. So I think books are really powerful, and I think that's why I jumped in so fast when I read the big orange sky. And that's the reason why I thought of you when the Venezuela earthquake happened, and I had some of my friends like sharing about what was happening in Venezuela, and I was like, we have been through a natural disaster here in Los Angeles, and I wasn't affected directly by them, but the community where I work as a teacher was I had young children who were displaced for their homes. Many of them have not come back to their homes, many of them completely lost their homes. And I had those children in my classroom, and that's where I think big orange sky had an important part in that process. And my mind was after supporting families, after leaving this with children, we can create a story that translates into the earthquake. And it it actually came from the heart of being connected to people that were from Venezuela. And that was at the end of June when we had coffee for the first time. And we sat down and we said, like, what were the learning modes, like the big, the big strategies that really we noticed helped children? Like we listened to the podcast of a child that read The Big Orange Sky, and you interview them a year later. And I remember one of the things that they said was being with a friend was something really important and playing. And sometimes we, when we think about strategies in those moments, we think about words and what we can say and what we can do and what person we can bring who can help us figure this out. And it all came back to what I've noticed as a teacher and as a mentor teacher of facilitators who help with displaced children. And we really realized that it was the power of presence, the power of play, and the power of reading stories that relate to my experience that really give the children the skills, the confidence, and the empowerment, which is where I empower kids for life come, to navigate those moments. It's not gonna be easy. We don't think that a story is gonna fix everything. But it is through all of those small things that you navigate those experiences and it allows you to support and to be together and to allow space for when you don't want to be together, which is also valid, you know, and that's where I think it's both the validation of the motion combined with like providing skills, because one of the things that when you talked about all of the emotions and how we let them come out, and I think there is two things that we do as adults with children that are important. One is validating that emotion, but then sometimes they don't know what are the skills to move past them, and there are many different ones that we share. Some and I call them people sometimes distract children from emotion, and I think that was what we did in the past. It's like I'm gonna distract you, I'm gonna give you uh something like uh something sweet to make you stop crying, or I'm gonna just shut you down, or you know, like those are all strategies, right? And you learn them. And then the question is like I I think we they have their place, but if they I call them conscious distractions, and I think there's a difference between distracting yourself from the emotion that to have a conscious distraction, and the difference is the awareness, but then you move through the process, right? So I always talk to parents about the you, me, weight, and alternatives process, and I call it the YMCA, just I love it to remember. So it's the you, so I will acknowledge from your perspective and doesn't even need to label the filling, you sometimes need to describe what happened, and that will help the brain sort of, oh, like this, where is this come from? So it's describing what happened, then you set a boundary because sometimes we have to set a boundary, right? So, and then we wait because the processing time of children is shorter than adults, and that's like one of the things that I've learned as an educator that I share with parents, and it's it changes the dynamic of families because when you wait seven seconds to wait for a response or to say something else, it gives the child time to process, and then you can move to the alternatives. So you talked about the emotion, you acknowledge the boundary, you give time for the child to process, and then you can offer an alternative. Um, shall we walk around and get a glass of water? Like that, it's okay too. When you're having a big emotion, it is okay to move away from the emotion without shutting it off, you know? It's a strategy that children need because they cannot access us, especially young children, at that moment. So it's like a good balance of allowing the emotion to be and also providing the skills to be able to process that emotion in a healthy way that helps me regulate myself to continue life.

SPEAKER_01 32:44

You know that moment your kid is melting down or gone quiet and you have no idea what to say. This is Rita, host of Once Upon the Feeling and co-founder of Gucci. My co-founder and I make Gucci because we've stood in that moment ourselves. Gucci is an app built around storytelling because kids don't process big feelings through lectures. They process them through stories of others experiencing similar things, whether it be loss, fear, or just straight-up pain. The stuff that is really, really hard. Gushi gives you the words for them, and honestly, sometimes for you too. We built it as parents, living this in real time and how to vetted by child development experts. So it's not just sweet, it is sound. You can download the Gucci app on the Apple App Store. And now, when those heart moments come, you will have the right words right at your fingertips. One thing that I realized too is that how important each other is, how important the community is. And those who are able to ground themselves quicker and better, maybe move through the entire process with a little bit more ease and regulation, I guess would be the word, are really the ones who have a very solid community and connection around them. A lot of the times, like those things show up when things are hard. Or then we somehow forget about it when things when times are good. But like having seen all of you know, as it's unfortunate too how because of climate change, because of just the the time that we're in, these things start to happen more often, or maybe because the news cycle and technology is also just kind of like bombarding all of these things in our world all the time. It feels that you know, sometimes it feels overwhelming. And truly, I feel like that is also the time that you lean into the community, you lean into the people around you. And I'm you mentioned about the podcast where we had Dylan is a little girl's name. She she is a dear friend. We have known Dylan's family since preschool. The girls still have sleepovers here and there. They're lovely. They have lost their home in Altadina altogether, and they're in the process of still permitting. They're still still hasn't broken ground. Two years later, and she mentioned that the best way to evacuate is to evacuate with a friend. That was like her hands-down advice to anybody who needs to evacuate, make sure you have a friend with you. And yeah, you're right. That is just like, oh, okay. So long you have that community, you're actively building that community and around you. I mean, that that that is really the lifesaver.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

We're saving each other's lives. We're saving each other's lives. That's what we do as humans. It's great if you have a community, and we also thought of people that didn't have a community that maybe evacuate and they are in a situation in which they don't have a friend or they are by themselves, and we that's what I love the story of Azul, because there's old connection and there's new connection, and that's what we really were really mindful of. And it was like how in a moment when we feel really disconnected, there are small moments of connection, and those connections can be with objects, which also like help us through transitions. I believe like young children sometimes help use small things because it helps us connect in many different ways. So there's the object, there's also the new connections or the new friendships that can come up in those moments. And some of them might be very strong, some of them might be small, but there's many different ways in which we can feel connected. And children know how to do that. Children are aware of what's happening, and the objective of the book is that is highlighting how competent are the children in balancing out the play versus processing emotion, how competent children are in finding ways of remembering the past of what has been lost, and leaving that process and go through it, not without feelings, but move through it. And how do we model and how do we decide or not decide, like how we experience it, because in those moments, I think you're in a different state, especially when it happens. And I think now that we are three months after or a month and a half after the Colombian earthquake, is where people are coming, like the kids are might be coming to school or a new school, or the family uh might be ready to read this story. I think sometimes it's hard when things happen right away to read about it because it's very close. But as you go through the process, I think there is a time and moment, and this is why we took our time to create this story. We took up the the time to find an illustrator who actually handed through it. Yeah. Because we also invite the children at the end of the story to draw their story. And the reason why is because once you see other people have gone through the process, but writing and by just imagining your story, like it opens the possibility of what it will look like. That as a child, you may not have had experience with this. We as adults have seen other people gone through this, but they can also have that experience of drawing what they experienced, and it can be a conversation started, it might just be a place where they can just draw, you know? That like there is a therapeutic healing that happens when when we offer that without us doing anything.

SPEAKER_01 39:32

Now I'm kind of thinking about the program leadership at how and what I'm thinking about is how good a leader is at leading oftentimes is tested when there is a crisis, right? Whatever thing is good is easy.

Family Crisis Prep

SPEAKER_01 39:50

When things are not so good, that is really when a leader in the business, in the military, and anywhere really that's when you kind of separate the good ones from the mediocre ones. So with that lens on, leadership at home lens on, as these things happen before it happens, I guess, you know, from your point of view, what are some of the things that the parents should learn about, practice, understand? Like, what are some of the things that, you know, in terms of leadership training for your family in a time of uncertainty and possibly climate disaster? That sounds grim. But just for the sake of the conversation, what is your suggestion? Like, what are some of the things that we as parents can do to guide our children through it and kind of help them learn how to adapt and how to process before it happens? Because I love a good preception, you know, just like I'm ready and love feeling ready. So I'm sure there's many parents out there feel the same way.

SPEAKER_00 40:59

So please take the stage.

Three Leadership Principles

SPEAKER_00 41:02

From the lens of leadership at home, I always talk about two things, and is the whys and the how-to's. Like we usually go to the how-tos really fast, right? And the why is really about like what are the principles that give us a compass, right? To choose things. Like that's that's what I'm actually writing about in in the book that I'm writing. And it is about like in a world where there's access to so many things, to so many ways of doing things, like how how do I select what to do or what language to use, or what is it, you know? And I came to three things, and the three things that I call the principles versus methods, like the principles for me as a teacher and as a mom that I follow is trust, competence, and motivation. So why those three?

Trust Through Truth

SPEAKER_00 42:11

The first is trust, and I think a good leader always aligns their thoughts, their words, and their actions. And that is a principle of communication. I think your words always get to people when what you say, what you do, and what you think are aligned. And children really read when that doesn't happen. And I think that is one of the biggest traits that a leader has. So trust comes from do what you say you're gonna do. And then that is really hard because sometimes we think, oh, children will forget. But it is sometimes in the little moments before things happen when children start seeing us as a trusted source of information, as a trusted source of skills, and sometimes it happens with the promise of a cookie after dinner, you know, like if you say you can have a cookie after dinner, offer the cookie. But it is about when you say something to your child, follow through because they start to see are the words of my parents something that is truthful or not, can I trust it? And I think in difficult situations, that's why it is important to speak with the truth without like giving extra information. But sometimes if somebody asks, like, are we coming home soon? Like, no, we don't know when that is gonna happen. And I Know you want in your heart to say to your child, we're gonna be there tomorrow because you know that will make him feel better. But having that truthful conversation with your child is what sets the trust that my parent tells me what happens and then gives me the tools to navigate them. And if they don't have it, they will tell me, which is okay. Sometimes in those situations, you are like, I really don't know, but I'm gonna figure it out and I'll let you know when I have the information. And I think that's really powerful for a child to see the adults do not have all the answers, and it is okay for us to say, I don't know, but we have figured out things that are hard in the past, and then we're gonna have the answers soon. Which leads me to the second principle. So the first is

Competence and Motivation

SPEAKER_00 44:55

trust, the second one is competence. I think leaders always see the people that they work with or their children as competent beings that can learn, and that comes from showing the kids what they have mastered, like praising on their effort and how they have accomplished things before. And I think that's one of the most powerful tools that you have as a parent is sometimes when we are struggling with something, it's like, I can't do this, and the child is saying, I can't do this, I don't know how I'm gonna figure it out. And you say, you know, you figure out like hard things in the past. I remember when when you were trying to learn how to walk, like you fall a thousand times, and look how well you walk right now. So you've done it before. Yeah, I'm sure you can do that. And that is where self-confidence comes. Like for me, many people talk about like confidence, and the best way to boost your child's confidence is to make them feel competent by highlighting what they accomplish and what they can do. Like you can say, you can do anything, but sometimes it's not the experience that the child has, but it is like going back to a specific situation that you remember where they were struggling and they overcame it. And the last one is motivation, is try to find what are their internal motivations to move through life, not again with the trust of promising or saying things that are truthful, but figuring out what is their internal motivation to do things instead of using an external motivation that distracts you from or that just leads you to look for answers outside, but it's like finding that balance with the internal motivations and the external motivations.

SPEAKER_01 46:52

It is so interesting. And all of the things that you're saying right now is not something that a parent does once the disaster strikes. These things where there's trust or competence, that dialogue and that that interaction between the parent and the child, you have to start, you have to start building that relationship. It's not something like, oh no, no, we're in this in this situation. And I start, you know, I then start embodying these things. These actually take time to build. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 47:25

No, and they may go out the window when something like this happens too. Because we are humans too. It's not uh it's not a mental thing that happens. It's like when something as hard as an earthquake or as a fire happens is the key to access many things, like shut off for you and for kids. So it's so but but what what I think is that if you build that beforehand, then it's not about how much you do, but how that connection and yeah, and if you say to your kid everything is gonna be okay, it doesn't mean that you're definishing what it is, but it is like learning how to say, yes, this is hard. And sometimes as a parent, it's hard to say it because you feel you're not helping your child, but that is sometimes the what they need and is the validation of what I'm feeling. Like I'm not alone with my feelings. Thinking about the things that we don't have anymore. And that doesn't mean that we don't value being alive and being okay, but I can live with both things, and both things can be true. I can miss what we've lost, and I can also appreciate what we have.

Vulnerability and Integration

SPEAKER_01 48:57

And one thing that comes to mind is vulnerability. I grew up in a household where the adults really in general, not just my own parents, like my friends, all the uncles and aunties, like they're all strong. There's no vulnerability, they're always right. It's kind of like they're always strong, they're always right. You don't see anybody cry. They always have their composure and they always have it together. That gets hard when they are affected. Because then is this like it's I think this actually feeds back to trust because when you're visibly not okay and you're trying to put out a front, the kid can smell you a mile away that you're not being genuine. Like no something is apt. They may not be able to articulate it, but and that kind of becomes to a thing where like you're telling me you're okay, but your face doesn't look like you're okay. So do I believe that you're telling me the truth? And then at some point, you just like, yeah, you can say whatever you want because I don't believe a word of it. And because of then that experience and know what I know now, like that's not how we run our house. It's like when I'm really upset, when I'm really tired, when I'm really sad about something, it's like, yep, that's that's where I'm right now. And it's definitely a very interesting departure, I guess, from from what I have been brought up with. And yeah. Parents and vulnerability, those two things never went together.

SPEAKER_00 50:31

And I think the reason why that happens is because we we think it we're either strong or vulnerable. And I always talk about this metaphor when I talk to parents, and it is sometimes you need to be like a wire, and a wire can be strong and flexible at the same time. So it has both qualities in it, and you can have both. Like I think sometimes we struggle with things that we feel are either or, and it is about that integration. How can I become and and good leaders are the ones that are strong and vulnerable and flexible at the same time, right? So it is how, and I think as parents, like we come with all of these preconceptions, and that's why when I launched my company, I didn't want it to have the word parenting in it, even though I talk a lot about parenting and education, but it was more about empowerment. It is because it it ties to something like sometimes parenting has so many connotations because of what you have lived with your parents, because of that relationship. And it is beautiful, but it's also very complex. And I think for me, as I was trying to integrate new concepts into my parenting, that's where the leadership word really helped me find that. I like to think about it as a pendulum. Like on one side, there is like the not tolerant, very strong, very traditional. Like we don't talk about emotions. And then on the other side is like we talk about emotions, you can express it anywhere you like, like you're just experiencing it. And then leadership sometimes is like it comes from merging concepts that are not easy to merge, right? So, how can I find that needle point in which I can validate what you're feeling without losing my power or without feeling that I'm not guiding you in the process.

SPEAKER_01 53:05

I love I love this concept that you introduced, like integration. And I think that yeah, I have been since doing this and since the podcast, there's so much of this moving between where are my children now and looking at how I was raised, right? And one of the things that I used to say, I won't say it anymore, definitely not after this podcast recording, is a lot of the things that I grew up with was I always kind of refer it to as what not to do. And my dear husband, who is grew up in Europe, you know, the most idyllic uh neighborhood and school and all the things. I'm like, oh, his is then like everything that's what to do. I love the integration idea because it at the end of the day, that's what makes us whole. That's where I came from. And the feeling of I get to decide what I am bringing with me and what I'm taking the new and and making my own little tincture of parenting style that is suitable for my family. It feels like it's a much better way to describe it and to own it and then just to kind of honor the past and welcoming the future and somehow merging the two together. And I think that is that's such a beautiful way of describing it, and that's why also makes every parent out there so unique because everybody has got their own little special concoction of their experiences and their environment and their community and then the connection and creating this beautiful experience for their children, the childhood.

SPEAKER_00 54:54

And every family is different, every family is experiencing something different, and that is the challenge that we have as parents, you know, and actually I think being very clear on those principles that guide your selection of what comes your way, it's what will make you feel empowered too, and you're and will make your children see, like, oh, okay, I have a role model that can make decisions and that can show me the way.

SPEAKER_01 55:33

Yeah, and

Competition and Comparison

SPEAKER_01 55:34

another thing too, and I think this you see especially maybe when the children are a little younger. I feel like as they go into middle school and high school, it might be a little, I don't know, to be honest, I'm just barely there. But what my experience was so much of the times too, parents are, and I'm hoping like this will quiet down. I don't know if it will, but I here's my wish like with the work that we do and this conversation that we have is to honor the children as their own individual. So what one thing that I don't too terribly love about is how sometimes we are always comparing a kid to another in a way that while she is doing this, why are you not doing that? And asked if a child is failing or not accomplishing what other group of children or what the society has considered as average as or as the bar, somehow they're a lesser than. There is this weird competition thing that is so prominent in our society that there is this sense of like, oh, my kid is gonna fall behind, and then the scarcity mindset, right? And it's like, oh, they're not gonna get the job, they're not gonna get into university, they are going to like starve, which probably none of them would be true, but that anxiety, I guess, is some sort of an anxiety. I think that's really a shame. But like, what are some of the muscles that we can start exercising to prevent us falling into that weird space? I don't want to call it a trap, it's just a weird space.

SPEAKER_00 57:17

Well, working with parents for so many years, I've always known that that competition and that those things like come like there's no parent that has bad intentions for the and I think societies in general, like they nobody has bad intentions for children, but sometimes we unconsciously like enter into these patterns that sometimes are not fruitful, and unconsciously we buy into it because we want our children to succeed, and it comes from a very deep primal feeling of I want to give my child every opportunity, I wanna give my child every tool that I can give my child to succeed succeed in the world. And in that process, sometimes we come, we become blinded. And I think it's because of that love that we have for children in which stop seeing it, and then sometimes we have to just pause and just decide if it's something that is helping my family, if it's helping my child, and how do we like it? Things will be much easier, right? And and that's one of the things that you were talking about, leadership, right? Like sometimes we are leaders in those moments in which we don't have the answers, in which we might have to make a decision that is different than the normal, which kind of relates to what like my transition in professional life. Like sometimes like people are following one path and you are struck with that decision. Okay, if I take a different path, what will happen? And I think that's where we have to use our own intrinsic motivations and to pause and to see what do I want to do in that moment. And it's very, it's very hard to give a general answer because I think moment to moment, like you might make a different

Modeling Healthy Competition

SPEAKER_00 59:35

decision. There is important for children to learn how to handle competition because this is a reality. The question is how I as a parent model myself in a world where competition is so big. There's influences. Do I get caught into it and I get into the no, I'm gonna be better? Or there is a moment in which I will say, Yeah, I can do this, but how do I handle that in a way that I'm not diminishing other people? That I'm still in a community, that I still like go through the human values of supporting each other. And I think that's where raising kids is not a solo thing. Like we used to think like we're the only responsible people for raising kids, but our kids are raised by the school, by our lives, by our extended family, by their friends in many different ways when they are growing up and they are they that's their influence. So it's how do I model for my child the handling of competitive models by my own actions? When do I have that conversation when I say, Oh yeah. And sometimes like verbalizing your internal dialogue, even if it is when you're playing a game at home, you know, sometimes it's like, oh, I wanted to win, you know, sometimes they feel like they aren't the only ones who want to be competitive. And for you to share that internal dialogue, like, oh, I wanted to win, but it's okay. I'm not gonna just throw this away, you know? And it's yeah, like externalizing that that thinking helps a lot of the young children to realize, like, oh, my parent also feels this pressure. And then I can see how you handle it, and I can learn from that. And then that's another skill that I'm gonna have navigating a competitive world.

Reparenting as Adults

SPEAKER_01 1:01:39

Yeah, I think there's so many things that we need to relearn as adults, like, and I guess that's what boy the work is. Like, we're parenting our children, and we're I feel like so many of us too are re reparenting ourselves as well, because that is where you catch yourself. It's like, whoa.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:56

Yeah, it's a constant process of how do I want to act, and it's exhausting sometimes. But I think it's also very rewarding to kind of pass it on to the next generation in a better way, and that happens in our day-to-day interactions and also in difficult disasters and situations where we can hold each other and we can support each other in the best way that we can.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:29

Thank you so much. You want to tell everybody about Azun? You called me. I didn't call you. Tell everybody about this project.

unknown 1:02:38

Okay.

Azua Book Project

SPEAKER_00 1:02:39

This project is a book for children. It can be read to children ages 3 to 12. I will recommend parents to read it with children like 3 to 8 to be there to answer any questions that they may have, because sometimes they can hold information for a long period of time and it is an emotional topic. And for older children, they can have like individual reading and then have a conversation with them. We also included some resources for parents, how to talk about the earthquake, how to work, how to talk about triggers, which is something that many of the families are gonna be experiencing now, which is when the bus is shaking, and then my little kids might say, Oh, there's an earthquake, because there are many different things that remind the child of that. So it's how to address those triggers in a way that they are competent to assess is this an earthquake or is not an earthquake? And you can go through that process. So we have those guides too in the page. And I don't know. I don't know if there's anything else. Like, I don't want to tell the whole story. Like we've talked about many different elements that the story has, but it's the story of Anna, who is a child who experiences an earthquake, then moves to a temporary refugee place, and then she navigates that process. She makes a friend, she finds a stone that she paints the color of her wall, which is something that she misses deeply. And that little stone becomes the object that helps her navigate that process. And the book ends with the family moving back to an apartment. We don't know if it's the same or not. There are many ambiguous things in the story, and we did that on purpose also to allow the children to relate in many different ways. The story is gonna be the same in many different aspects and different, and that it's okay. Because the objective of the story is to show kids that after an earthquake, there are difficult moments, but it's something that is gonna have a future. They're gonna move through finding a new home, whatever it might be, whether you lost your parents, whether you are with your parents, there is a new sense of home that it's gonna exist for them because home is about like those connections of people that torture you and not necessarily the walls of the place where you live. So that is the main message of the book, which I think it's uh very important for young children to read if they haven't been exposed to what happens in an earthquake in a very concrete way as well. And this is the time where all of these resources are available online and we are, as you said, working. In the process of having them printed out and distributed in Venezuela and Colombia, where there was a lot of families and children who have been affected.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:10

We have the story done in three different versions: an English version, a Spanish version that is specific to Venezuelan language, and then the variation, and the one specific to Colombia. These resources are available on your website, right, Christina? And Empower Kids for Life.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:31

Yes, they are available in Empower Kids for Life slash strong ground if you want to access them in English. But since this is for Spanish-speaking communities, you can find it in my website that is called Liderazgo en Casa, Leadership at Home. And also in Empower Kids for Life slash Tierra Firme, which means strong ground, which is what the purpose of this project is, is that to provide a space for adults caring for children where they can find resources to be more centered and to have these conversations with children.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:11

Yeah. We also have the story already uploaded onto the Gucci Story app. So for those of you who have the app already, it is already in there.

Final Thanks and Wrap

SPEAKER_01 1:07:22

I learned so much. I'm like writing notes.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:26

Now for jumping into this process with me, because as fast as I jump into the big orange sky, you jump into the Azul with me. And I'm deeply grateful for that because I I this project has brought like so many people that have put their skills, their knowledge, and their full heart to accomplish finishing two versions of the book that can relate to the name of games of children. They play in different regions, have the audiobooks, and it's been only three months. And this has been possible only by people who have fully like give their time and their knowledge and their skills and their connections to make it happen. And I'm deeply grateful for you to embark in this journey with me, Rita. Thank you. I know that there are many communities that will be impacted by it, and I'm really grateful for the support that's been it's been an honor.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:31

Thank you for reaching out. And that's it for this week. Thank you so much. And yeah, stay tuned for the next one. Bye. Bye-bye. Thank you again for listening to this week's Once Upon a Feeling. I hope you walked away with something new, something different, something that you didn't know you had. I truly enjoyed every moment of making this episode, and I cannot wait to share what we have in store with the next guest exploring the same topic, connection, because it means so many different things. I appreciate you. If you love this episode, love this podcast, and the thoughts and the information that it sparks in you, please give us a five star review and share with your friends and family. Take good care. I love you, and I will see you next time.