SPEAKER_02 0:00

A lot of the times we're faced with like, you know, this, and then we're like, where's my village? Um, like, where is my help? And, you know, nowadays when you're browsing on social media, a lot of people are asking the same question.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Like, where's my village? Like a few months ago, I asked my neighbor for yeast. I was making hala, and I my yeast was too old, and I was about to go to the supermarket, and my neighbor saw me and I said, Hey, do you have a packet of yeast? And later, my four-year-old recounted, oh, mom got the yeast that she needed for the bread from, you know, our neighbors. And that was really a wonderful opportunity for him to see that you can ask other people.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

And now this is kind of like where we're finding that happy middle is that how can we how can we have our beginning to do? Like, how do we have our village without giving up our autonomy? How do we set boundaries without being mean? How do we, you know, respect each other again? We have to like stick with it. And that's okay. I feel like we need to have a board in summer camp where you just go somewhere and do absolutely nothing. Hi everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to this week's once upon the feeling. Today, I have an amazing guest, Dr. Annie Josephson. Dr. Josepson is a clinical psychologist practicing in New York. She's also the founder of Uptown Psychology New York and Miami. Welcome, Annie. I am so happy to be here. Thank you so much. For I know as kids are off and they're just crazy summer schedules and they're home. So really appreciate you spending this hour with me. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So I have been thinking about like what we should talk about today. And I think in my season of life right now, especially in the summer, and you were just talking about this before we hit the record button. There are so much stuff right now in my world that it is overwhelming. And one thing that, you know, when you're inundated with three different to-do lists that's filled to the brim, you I start to question like, how did I get here? Yeah. A lot of the times we're faced with like, you know, this, and then we're like, Where's my village? Um, like, where's my help? And nowadays, when you're browsing on social media, a lot of people are asking the same question. It's like, where's my village? And they're gonna be saying, like, well, no, you gotta pay your way to get your village. And it's just it's not there anymore. Like, we're all like expected to do everything well alone. Um, the family structure now is so nuclear. We're away from the grandparents. So it kind of got me thinking about this piece about help. And I remember kind of going back to my childhood when my mom didn't ask for help. She hated it. And her thing always is like, well, why would you want to trouble people? That's always a thing. Like, we can handle this ourselves. Why do we want to why do you want to trouble people? We I don't want to owe anyone anything. There's that contraction. I thought it was so interesting. So for me, my conditioning is that, oh, I gotta handle everything myself because my mom did. So it's not sustainable, come to realize many, many decades later. And so I guess the question, the qu my question where I want to talk to you about is well, we're all really good at helping others. I feel like Mr. Rogers has drove that home for a generation and a half. How do we one if you like retrain our own brain to say like it is okay for to ask for help? And two, how do we like now I'm thinking about like how do I teach my kid it's okay to ask for help? How to ask for help and how to receive help without shame, without thinking that you're not good enough, and et cetera, so I would love to kind of like, you know, let's start there. Like, what is your take on this? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

Well, I have the same experience that you you have, right? There are so I'd endless to-do lists, and it takes so much for me, even to turn around to someone, whether it's my husband or another family member, and say, Hey, can you help me out with this thing that I have to do? So, to start with, how do we teach our kids to ask for help? A lot of it is modeling. I've learned so many things through modeling. So, are they observing us ask for help? That I will regularly ask neighbors and friends for typically it's groceries, typically it's small things. Like a few months ago, I asked my neighbor for yeast. I was making hala and I my yeast was too old, and I was about to go to the supermarket, and my neighbor saw me and I said, Hey, do you have a packet of yeast? And later, my four-year-old recounted, Oh, mom got the yeast that she needed for the bread from our neighbors. And that was really a wonderful opportunity for him to see that you can ask other people. And so a lot of it is showing your kids through modeling. And then some of it is suggesting and practicing with them how they can ask for help. So, for example, in my home again, when my son was learning how to get potty trained, we would actually practice him waking up in the morning and saying, Hey, mom, I have to go potty. And I would stand outside the room and I would say, Okay, you're loud enough, or you need to be a little bit louder, or you need to come into my room. And we practiced it several times. And I mean, those are a lot of the basics, but even if you transition to school or transition to needing help emotionally, right? Modeling for your children, hey, mom's having a hard day. I'm struggling because of X, Y, and Z, of course, in child appropriate language. And so I asked my friend to come over. I asked daddy to help me. I asked so-and-so sister, brother, whoever, to speak on the phone. And so a lot of it is that.

SPEAKER_02 6:29

For those of us who literally cringe at the thought of like, what do you mean I have to ask for help? And it's some for some of it, it comes so like unnatural. Like it's just like it's just like I can't. Like, what do you do? Yeah, it's exposure. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

It's the way you treat any other anxiety disorder, right? Like, not saying that's an anxiety disorder, but exposure is essentially when you put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and you see that the world response and it's it's okay. And so you do it over and over again, asking for help in small situations like going next door and getting an egg, asking for help in bigger situations like getting picked up from the airport, right? Or having someone come over. A few nights ago, one of my sisters was saying that her child was having surgery for their tonsils, and we practiced her asking my mom for help to come over after the surgery. And then my mom was on the phone with both of us and we clarified together exactly what helped my sister and Oh my goodness, that is so good. When my mom needed to come over, what she needed to do, and what role she would play in the post-surgery care. And my mom asked a few clarifying questions, and we once again reiterated and answered those questions, just so everyone was kind of on the same page. And afterward, she felt pretty relieved that she had been clear about what she needed.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

So this is kind of interesting because I think there is always this fear, especially with us asking the older generations for help, right? Like a lot of the times we go into this preconceived notion, like, oh, they're not going to be of help at all. They are going to do what they want to do, what they think is helpful, and therefore I don't want to deal with it. Like a lot of the times, and I also feel like my theory is like that's how we swung the pendulum so far from my top multi-generational living to a mute clear family, because we don't want to have it. Like, I don't want to have you dictate how I do things, I guess. Like there's a fear of judgment, interference, what have you. So I guess one thing is asking our parents or uh, you know, the older generation of what we kind of need help on. I love the fact that you spelled it out. This is what I need, this is what I need to do, yada, yada, yada, yada. But for those of us who may have more strong-willed or lack, you know, lack just different parents, I guess. How do you manage that? Like, what are some of the strategies that you will suggest coping, managing, setting expectations?

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Yeah, that's a great question. And I talk to people about this a lot. I think it depends kind of like how is that person helping you? Are they helping you on a once, like a single basis, or are they helping you? Is this a parent that comes over twice a week and helps you take care of your kids? Because that in my mind changes how rigid you are around the way in which they help you. If you're having your parents come over for an afternoon to watch your kid, maybe you don't care if they eat ice cream. It's one afternoon. Like, what's the harm in that? If your parents come over twice a week and your kids are eating a whole box of Oreos, you might have a bigger issue with them. Right? How do you manage that? So it's hard. I think it's about, I think it's about deciding, and this is true of anything parenting-wise, deciding what your non-negotiables are. What is really important to you and what can you let go. In that example, are you really focused on healthy eating? Are you really focused on the kids not watching TV? Are you really focused on them getting their homework done or their chores done or the house being clean? Because there's a certain level of if somebody's helping you, you kind of have to let them help you and let go a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 10:23

And I'm trying to think about what that intergenerational dynamic looks like. And, you know, for you know, I don't know who the listener are, maybe there are some parents, and I'm hoping like some of the grandparents will also listen to this too. Is like, how does how does one receive that, if you will, guidelines or rules or whatnot without feeling being judged, and vice versa. Such an interesting space. But when you have so many people coming together, I think that's when it gets hard. There's that friction. There is that, that, that, you know, when we really have to kind of figure out what works and what doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

Yeah. I I think it's also about respect, respecting one another, right? When you're talking about people helping you that are perhaps had been parents before, whether it's your parents or it's another person, do you have respect for them? And my hope is that if you're asking someone for help, you respect them, right? And I think that oftentimes you'll hear grandparents make comments like, well, you know, we raised you. And part of it is, do you have respect for the way that they raised you? Maybe it's not exactly how you want to raise your kids, but can you understand the world in which what they did made sense? And can you tolerate them using some of those same strategies with your kids?

SPEAKER_02 11:42

And if not, just set the boundaries kindly. Or get help elsewhere. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Like you always have to decide how important it is to you.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

Hmm. I think this is kind of one of the things that we have to all collectively learn and discern is how do we, you know, we had our village before, and that village was great, but it came with a lot of baggages, if you will, things that we didn't want. And then so then we sung to the other side, we just threw the entire village away. It was like, no. And now this is kind of like where we're finding that happy middle. Is that how can we, how can we have our kick and eat it too? Like, how do we have our village without giving up our autonomy? How do we set boundaries without being mean? How do we, you know, respect each other? And and I think that goes both ways. So for all the parents and the grandparents listening out there, is that I want to be part of my grandchildren's life. How do I be that? And respecting my children's way of parenting without thinking that this is about them judging me. It's just time is different. The end. Totally. Yeah, that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

And sharing also, I want to say, like for your kid, if your kids are asking friends for help, if your kids are asking teachers for help, it might be done in a way that they don't particularly love. And it's about tolerating that people do things differently.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

That is so interesting. Wrong. Okay. This is kind of this is, I feel like that explains the great, like the bigger society in general. Like if you're looking at even just politics or how, you know, divided the world is right now, it's almost like we can no longer tolerate when people think differently, do things differently, look different, like all of it. So I guess, you know, can you talk a little bit about how do we grow that capacity? How do that, how do we grow that capacity in ourselves? What are the things that we come do? And how do we grow that capacity in our children?

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Yeah. So I think a lot of it is cognitive flexibility, right? We're learning to, and I I use the word tolerate like 20 times a day because so it's I'm like, you don't have to like it, but you have to tolerate, right? And so a lot of it is building our capacity to be more flexible. And I often talk about being a black and white thinker and that there's so much gray. And how can two things be true at the same time? You can have someone who's helping you and you totally disagree with 95% of the things they do. But they're still driving you to the airport or they're still doing X, Y, and Z. And I agree with you. I mean, I think a large issue in our society right now is people being unable to tolerate other people's opinions and thoughts and preferences and the way that they look. And so it is about really showing your kids that, modeling that through your actions, through your words, that so-and-so said this. And even though I don't necessarily agree with it, people are entitled to their own opinions. And we can still have them in our life. And of course, I don't mean that with regards to like pure hatred. Like I think that there is lines that we need to draw. It's about learning to tolerate. It's you don't have to necessarily understand someone's perspective to recognize that it's allowed to exist. And I was saying kind of like the limitation is hatred or opinions that are completely not founded in fact or based in reality. And of course, like I think we we take those in a different way, but teaching your kids that everybody's gonna have different opinions.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

Yeah. I think like that is it's this growing capacity, this it is so interesting because I keep on coming back, you know, this this idea of friction. And we talked about technology, right? I feel like this technology this keeps on like, you know, just happening in my brain. I'm just so tuned to it in the sense that or Instacart and all of these technological advancements, if you will. We're advancing ourselves out of a village. We're advancing ourselves out of friction. We're basically trying to remove, we're optimizing. Like, you know, in the engineering jargon design, we're optimizing, we're optimizing for everything. Everything is faster, smoother, and then all the things. Well, what happens then is that well, you have you're you can no no longer tolerate, you know, having a web page, downloading, like, you know, for a whole minute. You want something and you want it and it's not. So I wonder, and I will love to have your point of view from maybe from a clinical standpoint, like what happens when you remove all friction?

SPEAKER_00 16:26

There's such an inability to handle discomfort. I mean, I have conversations all the time about boredom and the importance of boredom. And I tell people, look, I had a wonderful childhood, and there were days that I sat outside, my parents were like, go run outside for 30 minutes. I was bored. I'd climb a tree, I'd sit down on the grass, I'd run around, I'd complain, I would think about things, but I was bored, figured it out. And I think nowadays, you're right, even the idea of like your computer loading or someone not responding to your text, the amount of conversation I have with teens about people not responding to their texts, it's almost like you would think texts go to kids' brains. Like they're like, she didn't respond to me for an hour, she must not like me. And I'm like, an hour? She could have been in the shower, she could have been blow-drying her hair, she could have been doing anything. She could have been twiddling her thumbs. But it's so hard for people to recognize that like things aren't necessarily going to go according to plan, and I'm not going to get things immediately. And I talk to people so much about discomfort. We don't have to like it. But again, we have to like sit with it, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

I feel like we need to have a board in summer camp where you just go somewhere and do absolutely nothing.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Like, I know I would love it.

SPEAKER_02 17:53

I would like to be the cheerleader of that. Yeah, it's gonna be one of those things where we're like, you come here and we have nothing. We got dirt and a pond and maybe a couple of trees. Yeah, I love it. And then like I would love to kind of hear like if you can kind of talk a little more about your work too, because I know you work a lot with the anxiety population and things like that. We all read the book, The Anxious Generation. Can you kind of like go in a little bit about that, what you see, and like what is the bigger problem and things like that?

SPEAKER_00 18:25

Yeah. So I start from kids. So we start from like age eight up through adulthood, and I would say with the primary focus on like childhood and young adults. And then we see a ton of parents. And I would say the thread running through most of my patients is anxiety. Anxiety, depression, some ADHD, executive function stuff. And with regards to technology and the role that that has played on a lot of the children I work with. So I started my practice unintentionally during COVID. And the plan to start was in February 2020, to start in July of 2020. And then the pandemic hit and it just happened. And, you know, the pandemic was such an interesting time because we've been talking so much about villages and how technology has created a frictionless world. And in so many ways, the pandemic exacerbated and validated people who wanted to be isolated. And it was like, well, of course I'm not gonna go outside and see people because I shouldn't, because I'm gonna get someone sick. And so many people I'm even seeing now, young adults who have kept with kind of that pace of life, and it has slowed down them living their life. But I see from the technology perspective, so many teens, so many young adults who really their relationship with technology is so messed up, and they just they spend so much time on it, they connect their value and self-worth to it so much. They don't really know how to communicate with people in real life.

SPEAKER_02 20:14

So it's so interesting you mentioned that because we got a tin can. This like this this new startup. Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like uh it's a it's an analog phone for all those of you who don't know what it is. It kind of like it got a little momentum within our our kids' school, and we have a tin can. And the kids, at least my nine-year-old, will call for friends on it every so often. It doesn't happen all the time. Like I have like once every two weeks or stuff because everybody's dizzy. What is so interesting, Ron? Like trying to listen to them on the phone, they have no idea how to talk to another person on the telephone. It is the funniest thing. It's like, hey, this, you know, Anatina, like, you know, they give this a there is no, they have no way, like they don't know how how to engage with a parent with the you know, yeah. I pick it out, they're like, hi, Anatina. I'm like, who is this? Hell, you know, it's just it's just so funny. It's like one-word answers. It is wild.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Yeah, but think about it. Like when I was growing up, I mean, I still have my best friends from childhood, their phone numbers at their houses memorized.

SPEAKER_02 21:20

Yes, me too.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

We used to memorize people's numbers. We used I would call, hi, is so-and-so home. Okay, great. I'll wait. And then you would wait, and then you had a time limit on the amount of time you could speak to them. And then, and so, and your parents were also teaching you how to do that. I remember the first time I called someone's house and I turned to my mom, I was like, What? Hi, is so and so home? Yeah, right? This is who and who, yeah. And exactly. And nowadays, with everyone having cell phones, we're directly connected to the person. We don't even need to do the pleasantry of asking for who's home.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

That is so true.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Need to wait, we don't need to maybe make a conversation with so-and-so's mom or dad. That is the biggest thing, right?

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Like you have no idea how to talk to, like, Halle, how have you been? You know, yeah, like they don't know how to do that at all. That is wild.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Yeah, and a lot of it is your kids, teaching your kids, and we do that a lot in session. We have mock conversations. Oh, you want to hang out with this person? Let's practice the type of conversation you could have. Let's talk about how it could go. How would you respond to them if they said this? And we'll do role plays, we'll do sometimes in groups, we'll do role plays. And it's really for all ages. Like we'll do this with college age students. Oh, you just got to your dorm and you want to ask someone down the hall if they're going to a party that you're going to. And and we'll practice it because sometimes it's about teaching them information that they hadn't learned before.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

Why do you think there is such a big gap between what we did? I mean, we watch TV, a lot of the things that we, you know, we learn with like, you know, the TV shows or whatever, and we try it out. The TV is still there, or is it? I wonder, but why do you think there is such a big gap of learning between our it's one generation apart from our learning to like this upcoming one is really like half of the generation? Do you have any theory on that?

SPEAKER_00 23:22

I don't know exactly what it is. I think that in many ways, parents are parenting more and parenting less. They're doing so much more. They're on their phones. Their kids have no idea what they're doing on their phones, right? So they could be making a reservation for their kids' birthday. They could also be shopping. The kids have no idea. All they see is the phone, right? And so there's this constant kind of like disconnection. Not constant, but for some parents, it is more constant. Now parents are working from home a lot more, right? And so they're both there and they're unavailable. And it's kind of bizarre. And I think also parents these days, like a lot of the research I've seen is working parents feel the need to do so much more. Kids are in activities constantly, right? Parents are like managing and juggling such intense schedules. Whereas when I was growing up, if I asked to do something and my parents, it like didn't work with my parents' schedule, they'd be like, No, sorry. You can't do a travel sports team. Right. And I think nowadays it's very much the norm to bend over backwards for your kid. But all the while, a lot of these parents are so tired and then they're not always that present. How do we fix it? How do we fix it? Oh my god, how do we fix it? Oh, I know that doesn't really answer your question. And I'm kind of like just talking about the challenges.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

This is like, this is so good in the sense, like, oh, these are like all the different problems. And like I am kind of like doing a mental checklist on like in my like how I am parenting. Like you're right. Like I'm on my phone all the time. I'm buying groceries, I'm doing all the things. Like I am instant carding because I don't have to run to time to run to the store, or I'm like buying dinner and all the things I do a lot of things on my phone. And I think I just need to cut that out. I need to do it on a computer instead of a phone. So I need to kind of pick what device I am using, doing what tasks so that the other people, you know, computer is a much bigger screen. So they can at least kind of like lean over, what are you doing? But yeah, like, you know, like pointing out these are the problems that you know, you have to, you have to have the awareness before you can you can you can fix anything. But yeah, like let's say um you're diagnosing me, let's use me, right? As the patient zero here, I want to be more reconnect. I want to be connected with my children. I want them to feel, you know, just all the things that we talked about, either through modeling, boredom, what have you, and and just kind of like bringing how we grew up, a little bit of that, not all of it, but a little bit of that back into this world. Like what would be the top few things you recommend me to look at and to really audit?

SPEAKER_00 26:08

Yeah. I would say do a little bit less, ask for right, like what we were talking about at the beginning, ask for a little more help. I would say have your kids join you on different tasks and errands that you have to do rather than do the Instacart, go to a supermarket. I went to Stu Leonard's a few weeks ago with my kids, and it was the most exciting thing. It was like they came home beaming over it. And you're showing them that, oh, mom has to do these things, but we can do them together. Tching from your phone for a period of time when you actually can, and connecting with your kids, sitting with them eye to eye, right? So whether it's like having breakfast with your child for five minutes or and it doesn't even need to be that long. It's just having time where the two of you are together and they're the focus. And you could do it with each of your kids separate. You could do it with your kids and get right. And yeah, it's about connecting, it's about asking questions, it's about showing curiosity and interest.

SPEAKER_02 27:20

I think one of this interesting things that I keep on kind of coming to to as well is even as a I mean, we're talking about dopamine and serotonin and how really doom scrolling is just giving us a dopamine hit that we want. Meanwhile, it's just like if I am like uh constantly seeking that dopamine my C, there is no way for me to teach my kid not to be addicted to dopamine because I'm addicted to dopamine. So I guess some pointers there in terms of like how do we manage that relationship with dopamine versus serotonin and all the different things? How do we kind of relearn how to ride a bike so we can teach our kids to ride a bike again? Because I I keep on saying if you don't know how to ride a bike, you can't teach someone to ride a bike. If we ourselves are addicted to tech, it doesn't matter how long our kids are gonna wait until they get a smartphone. They're gonna follow exactly, you know, they're like you were saying, with their modeling, they're gonna hope follow our behavior.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

Yeah. Well, I think a lot of it is assessing your own behavior and seeing when you are turning to technology and what is it doing for you, right? Are you turning to it when you're in bed? Are you turning to it first thing in the morning? You're right. They're watching all of us on our phones constantly. People walk down the street like this. I walk down the street like that sometimes. And it is so rough. And so what we have to do is kind of like assess, and you could do that through the various things we have on our iPhones that tell you how many minutes you're on things. We could set limits and actually honor them. The amount of people that I have say, oh, I set a limit, I just ignore it. Well, then the limit doesn't exist if you're gonna ignore it, right? Like actually honoring those limits, actually and like showing that to your child because anyone needs limits and in things in life. And so showing that to your kids are really important. Putting putting your phone down. I mean, I think last year started sleeping with my phone in the other room, and I tell people to do that all the time. It is so incredible. An hour before, maybe like 30 minutes to an hour before bed, I put my phone in the bathroom in his charging, and people say, Well, what if someone needed to get to you? Then they would call multiple times and my phone would ring because I have certain people on favorites and I have a system that my phone will ring loudly if somebody calls multiple times. I'm not putting it on the other side of the house, not turning it off. I'm just putting it in the other room where I have a detachment from the device, and then I read, or even watching TV. You're just our phones are now everything to us.

SPEAKER_02 30:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:10

It's like little genie. They're the grocery stores. Yeah, they're every shop we want. They're our financial planners, their work, their friends. It's just like it's all there. And so, like taking a break. I think the challenge these days with a lot of these kids is in the when we were growing up, the drama would end. Like there would be some drama maybe after school, but we also had a lot of time to deco when we were home. We did our homework, we did our chores, we decompressed, we did any sport or activity we have. Nowadays, kids don't know how to turn off because it just keeps going. They look at their phone, they have a hundred messages from friends. And we also don't stop. And so it's about like catching yourself when you're noticing that you're doing that, and then actively saying, Mom's gonna put her phone away. I don't need my phone for this.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

So and let's say, yeah, I feel like we all need a dumb phone at that at this point. It's like not just for the kids. It's like not just for kids, for all the adults out there too. Like, we all just need a dumb phone and and and that you let that be it. This is wild. I love house phones. I would have one anyway. I know, like I still I still remember the days where like like we have like the pay phone, like no, you can get to the yeah, like you just can't, like they're not home. You don't know where they are, it is what it is, and you gotta wait. You can't catch them. And you gotta wait. Oh my god, what a novel idea. What? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh, this is like I feel like there's just so much going on, and it feels like we're all spiraling, and like we have to figure out like how to stop the spiraling down, whether it's this notion. I feel like, and this is interesting. I like now I'm seeing, but like we talked about in that last 30, 36 minutes, is that there is this asking for help thing, and then there is this device that's gonna help us do everything. It's almost like we gotta do the exact opposite of what we have been technically advancing in the past hundred years. Like, let's start asking for help. And no, you don't have to do everything by yourself. And it is okay for you to slow down. It is okay that you know you don't answer a few emails. Back in the days, I I still sent letters.

SPEAKER_00 32:34

I love letters. My practice sent letters this year. It's like I I truly love USPS.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

It's like I remember I studied in Europe when I was young, about 13, 13 years old. I was by myself. My parents were in Asia, I was in Austria. We will talk on the phone like once a week, maybe because it was so expensive to be talking on the phone, you know, across the ocean. We'll talk on the phone for like 10 minutes once a week. And then it's letters. Like you wrote letters, you put a stamp on it, and you wait two weeks for it to get there and another two weeks for it to get back. Like it was the thing. It's like you don't know what it is the waiting. Yes, it is absolutely annoying. And like, God, I want it now, but we don't have that anymore. No, it's like you send a text, and then like you were saying, they don't respond within immediate, especially the red receipts. I feel like that's just a curse.

SPEAKER_00 33:30

Oh, yeah. Sometimes I find it can be helpful as an acknowledgement, right? If I read it, but it depends on the person.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

So you're not telling me anything, Rank. But but what do you think? Like, you know, they want that response right away. Yes. Interesting. What are some of the exercises you do with the kids to um entice or reward their patience? We I know we all remember the saying patience is a virtue, but yet we don't right now, as the world is going right now, we don't need it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

I mean, I think I praise them for being patient. I think I say, Oh, I love how you waited there. I love how you didn't know the answer to that and we figured it out. I think that I a lot of it, I think back to like the marshmallow test, right, that you see in like psychology 101, where like, if you are patient, you will get more. And so sometimes I talk to kids about that idea about being patient and perhaps that paying off, which a lot of the time patience does pay off. Who in their life is patient, what does that look like, and how can you act with your body and mind in a patient way? And what does that look like? I talk to people so much about sitting with things. So a lot of it's less sometimes it's exercises. Sometimes we talk about if they're having trouble being patient in certain situations. We'll talk about like sitting on our hands or doing something else as we're waiting for someone to do something. But a lot of it is like, yeah, modeling, showing them brief things, and then praising and showing them the benefit of that patience.

SPEAKER_02 35:11

Now, something just kind of like came to my head, and I want to kind of ask about that because I could see like for a neurotypical child, that is probably easier to do. But I can also see like sometimes when we are talking about the thing among friends or whatever, a lot of the times I'll get this pushback. Well, it's like, well, your kid is not like my kid. My kid is HDHD, we gotta do this, we gotta do that. So for families like, you know, with children with those conditions, like what do they do? And that's another thing, is that it wasn't a thing when we were growing up. You just dealt with it. Like, you know, I don't know. I don't I'm I'm not I don't know how they dealt with it or if they were at all, or we just kind of like considered like it's just what it is. And like, what do you do there? Like, well, how do you recommend then in terms of actions?

SPEAKER_00 35:57

Yeah, I think I mean I hear that from parents all the time. Like your kid is different or that kid is different, and I think it's about validating that your your child is gonna have a harder time. Kids with ADHD are impulsive, they they do have a harder time being patient, and that doesn't mean they can't learn some strategies, but it it's not as built in, perhaps, or it is going to be a bigger lip. They might always be impulsive. I mean, individuals with anxiety are impulsive, they're worried, they want to do something, right? That being said, you can teach them strategies to practice sitting with things, you can teach people with ADHD the social consequences of being impulsive. Yeah. Like, oh, you jump in front of that person and they didn't like it. And so some of it is talking to them and teaching them and showing them.

SPEAKER_02 36:50

Yeah. But I think at the end of the day, is like how much capacity do we as adults have? And we too gotta do things to increase that capacity. Totally, totally, and rest and rest and ask for help.

SPEAKER_00 37:05

Yeah, totally. I love them. The theme of the show rest, ask for help, and be patient.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

Yeah, it's like yeah, this is like just so funny, like how everything just weaves together, and if we're all able to do that for us and for each other, for neighbors. I mean, you know, that's that's how we get our village back. Yeah, how amazing. I'm gonna go to neighbors and ask for eggs now. Do it. Well, I have amazing neighbors. We actually lost, um, I I actually kept chicken, so for the longest time I didn't need to, but then we lost the entire flock to a coyote attack like a week ago. That was hard, but but then like neighbors and how they came helped, and my housekeeper helped, and then my landscapers, they all helped with my different pieces of it. So, like, okay, we're gonna take a break, we're gonna do our travels, and then when we come back, we're gonna have to rebuild it, which is very, very interesting. But yeah, I guess you know, we're gonna build a village, one egg or one carton of milk at a time. So, yeah, that was so fun. It was so good.

SPEAKER_00 38:08

Thank you so much. This is so oh my goodness, thank you for having me. This is wonderful.

SPEAKER_02 38:13

Please tell the audience like where do they find you? Like, wow, how do you work? Virtual in person, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 38:22

Yeah, so you can find us at uptownpsychologyny.com. We work in person in New York City and we do a lot of virtual therapy around the country and in Florida. We work in person doing therapy and evaluations. Amazing. Thank you so much, Nanny. This is so fun. Of course, thank you for having me. Okay, that's it. Thank you for tuning in. Okay. Amazing.